I've been thinking of starting this for some time but my usual inability to just allow myself to jump right in has caused my inevitable procrastination. I read once in a book about how to get organized that people who are perfectionists will delay starting something because in their mind if they can't do it perfect they just won't start at all. It even had a label, procrastinating perfectionist. I'm not sure if I'm a perfectionist or not but I've always liked that definition and have used it on numerous occasions as a "perfectly" good excuse.
Over the years my mother and my youngest daughter have kept many journals and now both of my daughters have blogs. I find myself checking them sometimes several times a day in hopes of finding a new post. In past years we have not lived close to one another and it was a way I was able to be a part of their lives without being overly intrusive. Not that I ever felt not welcome, on the contrary, they have never been secretive, always open and honest. I just always remember being that age and the last thing sometimes on my mind was letting my mother know everything that I was doing. Maybe it was selfish on my part. I don't know, my mother and I are very close so I guess I haven't too terrible. I always also thought that I was raising them to let them go, to stand on their own and be the best person they could be. When I look at my daughters and see the women that they have become I feel that if I do nothing else the rest of my life I have already achieved the greatest thing I could ever hope to do.
Anyway, back to why I am finally starting this. I guess this is a way for me to leave a record for them, a way to remember me so to speak. Also a way to tell them things that are sometimes hard to say in person, a way to share some of what they have always shared with me. As I become older and realize that I am on the back half of my life and there have been a lot of wasted chances. So many things not said or done. I've started a new life for myself and it would be very easy for me to fall back into my old habits. Not would be. it already has. I always talk a great talk but don't always walk the walk. So....
Step one: End old life.
Easier said then done. To accomplish this feat we need a plan but most of all a deadline. I am the queen of excuses and without a deadline I could have given up very easily. With the help and support of my beautiful daughters and my son who has more innerstrength and self control than I thought humanly possible I was able to:
I caved in once and almost stayed but something my son-in-law said to me as he hugged me close and for which I will be forever grateful has been my mantra ever since. I tried to say I was choosing my children but he corrected me and said I was choosing myself. It's amazing how wise some people are and also reconfirmed to me what a good choice my daughter has made with her mate.
Step one accomplished. Done. Marked off the list. Complete. Weight off shoulders you can't believe.
Step Two: Start new life!
Finding a new job wasn't hard. I really didn't think it would be. Actually, I was more confident about finding a new job than anything other task I set for myself. Over the last year or so I have had enough different people tell me how good I was at what I did and since my paycheck and stats also backed this up I was able to say, yes I'm good and you would be a fool not to hire me. So I am now currently working at the same job I had before just with the local equivalent. If I believed in a higher being I would have to say someone was smiling at me because before I had finished training someone put in notice doing the exact same thing I had done at my old job and I have now taken over that position and will have my own desk, my own key, have weekends off and be able to decide when to come in what time to leave, commission and occasional overtime. One phrase keeps popping up in my head. I am blessed. This is one time it seems appropriate
Unpacking is a different story. I have been here since July 18th. I'd say about two thirds of my things are unpacked which is ridiculous. I left more than I took when I moved out. It's amazing how good it feels when you can admit to yourself that most of what you have accumulated over the years is only so much "stuff". Letting go can be very therapeutic. I left what I didn't need and had no sentimental value and guess what? My world did not fall apart. Everything I owned and what was left of Carly's and David's things fit into an 8x10 uhaul. I can't say I didn't have the time to unpack because I didn't start working until August 19th. That was a full month. I have many excuses none of which I will go into here because none of them are reasonable to anyone but myself. Today I have plans to try to rectify the situation somewhat, I'll let you know how that turns out later.
I already knew the general layout of the town. I guess it should have been a sign a long time ago that I was meant to move here because it has always been really easy for me to navigate here. The first weekend, Carly showed me how to get to Aldi's and Wal-Mart (Very important places in my book). I've figured out most to the rest using the phone book and mapquest. If all else fails I call Em and ask her. Since she works at home at a computer it's easy for her to look it up and talk me through it while I drive.
Making friends is going to take some time. While I do really like my daughters' friends they are just that, their friends. They are all really wonderful people and I have never felt like they tolerate me just because I am the mom, but I am the mom and I don't want to abuse my acceptance. I have decided that this time I really don't want to only have friends at work. For whatever reason if I look back on my life it seems the only friends I have are the ones I work with and after I no longer work with them the become acquaintances. I'm trying to make sure I don't treat the friends I left behind that way. I'm afraid sometimes that I am not trying hard enough and am letting them slip away. Something I need to work on. I did meet one woman at work who I like very much. She is very, very smart and actually pretty funny. We also share a love of needlework which I've never really had before. I'm looking forward to spending time with her.
So, Step two is still ongoing. While parts have been checked off the list and some will be accomplished soon, some if I'm lucky will continue for the rest of my life.
Yes, life is good, very, very good.
